Shark With Legs

YDKJ

2006-12-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

YDKJ

2006-12-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

2006-12-06T13:13:00.000-08:00

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Onward!

2006-04-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

This thing is pretty much dead. It was fun at the time, but other things in my life have taken over. But don't worry, I still have plenty of other websites that you can visit:

Team Submarine - My sketch comedy troupe.

The Delicate Press - A "humour e-zine" that I write for.

Nate Fernald Destroys The Internet - Music and me.

And may you have a good harvest!

The Fountain of Youth

2005-09-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

Imagine how an Ornithologist would feel were they to discover a dodo bird. Or even a Paleantologist discovering a dinosaur. The sheer delight of finding something you once thought extinct. Something you were passionate about regardless, but then actually discovering one? Place yourself in such a scenario and only then can you understand how I, a pizza enthusiast, felt upon finding this:

Yes, a Little Ceasar's Pizza. Standing on it's own, without the aid of a K-Mart Superstore. A safari proven more than successful. And more than delicious.

Wingspan

2005-08-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

So I've been kind of down these past days. But sometimes all it takes to get one's spirits back up is a song. And that's all it took for me. With the help of bands like Queen and Journey, I was back up on my feet in a matter of moments. So I got to thinking: I wish I could could be that inspiring for people and do what said bands did for me.

I then went ahead and recorded my own inspirational song, highly inspired by said bands AND the ending theme from Transformers: The Movie. Basically, I ripped off Stan Bush's "The Touch" and based a whole song off of one line from it. It is entitled "Wingspan" and it all about power and eagles. I hope you enjoy it:

Wingspan

And in case you want to sing along, here are the lyrics:

You've got the touch, you've got the power.
If you can dream it, you can achieve it.
If you can feel it, you can make it real.
Because you got it in you, and you've got it on you.
You've got what it takes to become the eagle.

You've got the touch, you've got the power.

I can feel something inside me,
And if feels like an eagle, or maybe a wolf
Or maybe just the good old American flag.
But all I know is that if I put my mind to it,
I have the ability to do, achieve, and conquer anything.

Do you feel the solo inside of you?
Let it free!

There's a lot of things in this world to remember.
Like directions, math equations, people's names.
But if you only remember one thing, remember this:

You've got the touch, you've got the power.
Become the eagle, spread your wings.

Wingspan.

Please let me know your thoughts on it! Thanks!

You Don't Have To Take My Word For It

2005-08-21T23:16:00.001-07:00

My days have been very busy recently. Filled with lots of summer reading! I read some interesting books. One about World War II, one about a lake, and one about fish. But none of them caught my interest as much as the one that you see to your right.Yes, Space Lawyer is the book by acclaimed author Nat Schachner. Or as I like to call him, Natty Schach. Talk about a page turner! I got it free from a used book sale because, get this, NOBODY WANTED TO BUY IT! Can you believe that? If the space part didn't sell them, you'd at least think the lawyer part would. But I was lucky enough to get my hands on it. It reads a lot like a John Grisham novel except that any important nouns are preceded by the words "space" or "cosmic." (i.e. space boots, cosmic office, Space Laywer [d'uh!]). I encourage you all to read it and take this literary romp through space with a lawyer. I won't give away the ending to it, but I will tell you this much: It happens in space! If my descriptions doesn't tingle your interest, then perhaps this exerpt from the novel will:

"Simeon Kenton was an irascible man. He knew it; the far-flung thousands emplyed by the Kenton Space Enterprises, Unlimited, knew it. But only his daughter, Sally, knew he worked hard at being an irascible man. And that increased his irascibility to such a pitch that he could only glare and sputter unintelligible words.
Old Fireball was his nickname because of his habit of staging explosions on the slightest provocation. He exploded now."

Want to know what else happens? Then you'll just have to read it! And please, don't ask me what irascible means. I think it's a space word.

But aside from books I have been reading many other great things like signs, newspapers, and most importantly cereal boxes! I took the liberty of adding a photo of my favourite one. It's from Frosted Flakes (not Frosted Flakes Frosted Flakes, but the generic brand Frosted Flakes. Read: no tiger). I know that there isn't necessarily much to read on the back of this box, but everytime I look at those kids covered in all of those sporting goods I say to myself "Uh-oh! It looks like the retarded kids got into the equipment locker again!" And is there a better way to start your day than disparaging retarded kids (and cereal boxes)? If there is, I don't even wana know about. Hopefully this picture can bring you the same joy that it does me. Enjoy, and good morning!

Factories

2005-08-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I took a brief road trip to Niagra Falls. Myself and a couple of exceptional friends drove to New York and then walked into Canada. It was pretty easy to get into Canda - I just showed them my license, they asked if I was born in the United States, then they let me right on through. It was the same thing on the way back except the border guards were older and far more stern and had a computer that they typed things into.

The Canadian customs people had no computer, thus could not verify anything and were forced to believe that I was born in the United States based strictly on my word and my word only. I could have easily lied and said "no" and they'd have been none-the-wiser. I could have told them I was born in Spain -- hell! I coulda told them I was born in Atlantis and they'd have to believe me! I mean, all they saw was my license. The only information they could gather from it is that I wear corrective lenses, am an organ doner, and an Aquarius (as if they couldn't already get that from my quirky personality!) But really, what else do you need to know when letting one into your country?

So I told them that I was born in Russia, but birthed on a map of the United States because my mother worked in a map factory/hospital. And they were totally cool with it. Thus I concluded that Canada is a lot more fun than the United States, as can clearly be seen in this graph to the right. They are just so much more laid back and easy-going. The United States customs agents though? Not a fan of my map factory joke. Well, I suppose that's why they're working in customs and not a laugh factory that specializes in jokes about map factories.

Eventually I got back into the United States and went to a classy one-star Motel 6 where I slept and dined like a hooker.

The Empire Strikes Back

2005-08-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

Hi, everybody. Remember me? Of course you might. But do you remember this blog? Probably, because you are reading it. I have not updated this thing in a long time. Even more so - I have not put a decent update on this thing in even longer. But these days most of my writing efforts either go towards The Delicate Press or Team Submarine. Please visit them regularly.

But I am going to try to update this thing a little more often now with news, anecdotes, and showdates. Yes, I have finally started having shows in Chicago. My first show was with my improv team that is called "Cobra Death Snake." Though I like the name, I wanted us to be called "Star Wars." Not necessarily after the movie, but after the wars that happened in the stars in the movie. But I was massivley out-voted.

Speaking of voting...howsabout our president! WHOA! Has it really been that long since I've updated that this is my first election joke?

So, here it goes...Why is it that President Bush...awww, fuck it. Here's picture of a cat:

Just Toothin' It!

2005-02-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

I just had four impacted wisdom teeth removed and my mouth doesn't really work anymore. Lucky for this blog, my fingers work fine.

Since my mouth as been immobile, I have been using lots of spoons in order to eat foods. Like, a lot of spoons.

If you are every going to have your wisdom teeth removed, invest in spoons! The operation will practically pay for itself!

Alive In 2K5!

2004-12-29T14:48:00.000-08:00

The year 2004 is coming to an end and I feel as though I should somehow celebrate it in my blog. First I though to make my "Top 2004 albums of 2004" list, then I though I'd make a 2005 calendar where each month has a picture of me with something different caught in my beard. But then I thought "Hey! Why not just take the easy way out like I always do and post some sort of picture?!?!"

I think I just may!

Where Have I Been?

2004-12-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates these days. Also, sorry for neglecting to appropriately respond to the post I made a while back where I said I'd respond to things. But I'm sure you're all wondering what I'm doing, so I've provided a picture that pretty much sums up my activities in the past weeks:

(Oh yeah, I'm the one with the wings)

Snagged

2004-11-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

I often find myself wishing that I was a bird. If not for the gift of flight, then at least so I could do this:

You're Welcomesgiving!

2004-11-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, it's festivities will be happening in less than a day. For any non-Americans that might be reading my blog, Thanksgiving is the celebration of when the white man first came to America. But it wasn't that easy, you see, there with these awful creatures called Indians (wizards) that were trying to keep the land that they had been living on long before. So these Indians tried to stop the Americans by casting spells and eating their young. The Americans were struggling in this fight because their guns were no match for the Indian's magic. But then, a keen white man who went by the name of Chris Columbus found a magical cornucopia. Upon rubbing this magical cornucopia, a genie came out and turned all of the Indians into turkeys! The Americans then began to feast on these turkeys and survived, then went on to create the great nation that we live in today! And that's why you hardly ever seen Indians anymore.

Still wondering where the name "Thanksgiving" comes from? Well, after the Indians were turned into turkeys, the Americans then thanked them for giving us their land that was rightfully ours in the first place! If the Indians were still alive today, they'd probably have a holiday on the same day that they'd call You're Welcomesgiving. It's kind of like what's going on in Iraq right now. And there will most likely be another holiday to celebrate that too - Thankstaking!

Happy holidays, everybody!

All About Cats

2004-10-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

While I prepare my response posts to the previous entry, here are some links to various sites having to do with cats to occupy you:

http://www.mathcats.com/
http://cats.about.com/
http://www.fancieres.com
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/
http://www.funnypictureslady.com/funnycats/funny_cats.php
http://www.cats.alpha.pl/funny.htm
http://www.funnyville.com/fv/pictures/cats.shtm
http://www.coopsjokes.com/amz/amzcat.htm
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/amazingcats.htm

I assure you, these are the best of the best when it comes to cat pages.
And feel free to continue posting suggestions on the last post.

Homeland Security

2004-10-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

I won't feel safe in this world until they're all captured!

You May Think Your Country Is Superior, But I Feel As Though My Country Is The Superior Of The Two

2004-10-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

As most of you are probably aware - the presidential debates have been going on in recent weeks. This means two things. One, my normal television programs are not on, causing me to get angry. And two, the state of the nation is revealed, causing me to get political! So here I have for you the second batch (see first batch here) of my self-proclaimed Famous Bumper Stickers!

Again, feel free to print them out and attach them by any means possible to whatever you see fit. Though they are called "bumper" stickers, they can really go anywhere. And I mean anywhere!

RIGHTEOUS ADVENTURE IN THE KEY OF C

2004-10-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

I now present to you a story (pictures included) that takes full advantage of the caps-lock key.

Please note! Wait for everything to load before diving into this story!

Has everything loaded? Okay, ONWARD!

Cattle: HELLO NERD, I WILL RAM YOU WITH MY HORNS OF POWER IN YOUR EYES

Nerd: YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PENETRATE MY GLASSES OF POWER AND DIVINITY AND SHATTER-PROOF LENSES!

Cattle: YOUR FACE IS STUPID AND YOU ARE UGLY AND I HATE YOUR UGLY FACE UGLY NERD I WILL DESTROY YOU IN THE STOMACH AND HEAD

Nerd: IF I AM SUCH AN UGLY NERD THEN WHY IS MY GIRLFRIEND SUCH A BABE"

Cattle: YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A MEGABABE OF POWER! I AM SO ANGRY THAT I WILL TURN MYSELF INTO A CHICKEN AND PECK AT DYNAMITE UNTIL IT FUCKING EXPLODES IN MY MOUTH

Babe: CATTLE? MORE LIKE STUPID MOTHERFUCKER THAT BLOWS THE FUCK UP
Nerd: LOL

Dragon: THAT IS ALMOST AS FUNNY AS MY ORB OF HILARITY

Dragon: OH FUCK! THAT GRIFFIN STOLE MY ORB OF HILARITY! THAT FUCKING SUCKS SO HARD FUCKING GRIFFIN MOTHERFUCKERSHITASSFUCK!
Griffin: I NOW HAVE YOUR ORB OF HILARITY AND I AM THE FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER I AM MORE FUNNY THAN DONNY OSMOND AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS FUCKING HILARIOUS

Dragon 2: LOL LOL LOL

Everyone: THAT SHIT IS SO FUNNY THAT A FUCKING A BIRD WILL EAT A BABY AND THEN A BEAR WILL DROWN IN A FUCKING RIVER MOTHERFUCKER LOL MOTHERFUCKER

Old Man: WHAT THE FUCK WTF IS GOIN ON MY HEAD IS FUCKING FLIPPING OUT WTF LOL WTL

Everyone: ALL HAIL THE RULER AND HIS SON THEY WILL CONQUER ALL AND RULE EVERYTHING AND YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER!

TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE)

Chickens With Their Heads Cut Off (Think About It)

2004-10-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

Read this article:

Man Mistakenly Cuts off Penis, Dog Eats It

Now, for those of you that are lazy and/or illiterate and thus did not read the above article, I will briefly re-cap it for you: An old man accidentally cut of his own penis because he "confused it with a chicken's neck." Once cut, his dog ran up and devoured the penis.

Once we get past the obvious jokes about the irony of the word "cock" and its ability to be used as a double entendre (meaning both penis and rooster/chicken), one would notice that there are a few details that this poor excuse for journalism left uncovered. First off: What was this man doing with his penis unsheathed in an environment where he would be cutting off the heads of chickens? The only thing that comes to my mind is naked butcher.

Also, how is it possible to confuse your own penis with the neck of a chicken? I mean, my penis has wings and a beak, but that's a totally different story!

For those of you wondering, this post used the word "penis" eight times. Maybe next time I'll shoot for ten.

The Struggle

2004-10-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I take my life for granted. I am well aware that I have it pretty good, but every now and then I'll come across somebody who has it really bad and feel sorry for them. They can't help it that their life is the way it is, nor can I help it that my life is the way it is. But today I decided to challenge myself that would make me really appreciate how lucky I actually am. I decided that I should give myself some sort of handicap, so maybe I could view life from somebody else's perspective. So I had my friends duct tape oven mitts to my hands.

This ought to make my life a little bit more challenging, right? So I decided to go about my daily tasks, which proved to be much harder than usual, so I went over to my computer...

Everytime I tried to hit a key, I ended up hitting the fifteen surrounding ones as well. This made for some awkward AIM conversations. Fortunately, my responses did not differ that much from the norm. Example:

FriendOfNate: hey nate, i've been having a really bad day and could use some cheering up : (
Nate: frvfrggvbgkiljfkcmmoripjmew
FriendOfNate: LOL! thanx! i needed that ; )
Nate: gvmhej90rerdke99m

Then I decided to watch some television...

Not easy! Those big, clunky mitts of mine were far too large to operate the tiny buttons on the remote. So I decided to do what I normally do when there is nothing good on TV...

Masturbate to a Bed, Bath & Beyond catalogue. I, however, had no such luck. But while I was awkardly groping at the clasp on my belt in an attempt to remove my pants, my phone started to ring!

But by the time I was able to answer, the caller had hung up.

I'd had enoug of this awful life without television, or telephones, or meaningful IM converstations, etc. So I decided to end everything right there and then! I was going to kill myself using the sharpest of kitchen knives I could find! But...

...no dice.

This experience has really made me appreciate my life on a whole new level. My struggle with the oven mitts taught me a valuable lesson: It's tough to be a bear. Those big paws may be good for catching fish, climbing trees, and basic survival, but when it comes down to it, paws just will not do. And I can honestly say that I never want to be a bear.

Unless, of course, it was this one:

Oh, The Things I Know!

2004-09-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

I have learned a lot in the past few weeks, some of them the hard way. Being the generous person I am, I will share some of my newfound knowledge with you:

- People who work for credit card companies will do anything to get you to sign up. And I mean anything! (i.e. free pen).
- Ashlee, a girl from my film class, "likes all kinds of movies."
- French people love getting their butts sucked.
- Just because you attend college, it does not mean you are intelligent.
- The words "shit," "ass," and "fuck" can make anything funny, especially when two or more are combined.
- Toothpaste is not a substitute for soap.
- Soap is not a substitute for mayonaise.
- Homeless people are not interested in your personality, only your money. If they compliment you, don't be flattered. And if they ask you on a date, don't go! They'll make you pay for everything!
- If you want to lose weight, join a union and go on strike! It's like a two-year walk-a-thon, and those picket signs are way better than free-weights.
- The only thing $10 can get you nowadays is a bad cup of coffee and an abortion.

Heed these words as you brace yourself for the real world.

My New Home

2004-09-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

So, I've been in Chicago for about a week now and OH MAN has it been crazy. So crazy, that words could not possibly describe it, so I have taken the liberty of posting actual pictures of the things I have seen. Keep in mind, all of these pictures are REAL pictures of things actually in this wild city.

First off, I was walking around, and what do I see but...

A dwarf rubbing the pelt of a passing deer!

Then I walked down to good old Lake Michigan and I saw...

The frigging Loch Ness monster! How did he get all the way over to America? Well, I think it is safe to assume that he rode on the wings of a mystical pegasus or took a hovercraft.

I thought I had seen teh craziest of things, but then as I was sauntering back to my building, I looked up only to see...

A giant gorilla battling an alien spaceship that was launching lazer beams all over the place. I wanted to stay and see who won, but I had things to do.

So I finally returned to my apartment, assuming that things could NOT get any crazier...

And then I got Stigmata! I mean, c'mon! Stigmata!?!? Only in Chicago!

As you can plainly see, I have been having quite the time out here, so I recommend that you come visit me and take part in the action.

Things To Do

2004-09-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

So, I am finally in Chicago. And here is my current to-do list:

1. Learn the Thriller dance

2. Listen to "Down Under" by Men at Work

3. Possibly combine items 1 and 2

I've got some hefty ambitions.

Intense post coming soon. Brace yourselves.

Caw

2004-09-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today I walked by a scarecrow, and I wasn't scared at all. And that's when I realized I wasn't a crow. And these things on either side of me? They're just arms, not wings.

Dance Pants Revolution

2004-09-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

People are actually using the Dance Dance Revolution videogame as a way to get overweight children to lose weight. They have the kids play it for a few hours a day and pounds practically fall off of them. So now you have the option of your kids not having friends because they are overweight, or not having friends because they are videogame nerds.

But then again, maybe the dance moves they pick up will help them at those oh-so-socially-awkward highschool dances.

I'm Like Chinese, But Better

2004-09-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have been bored with fortune cookies at Chinese food restaurants lately, so I have taken some initiative and make my own:

And for the big eaters, three part fortunes!

And of course the most sage-like of all wisdom that ever was:

...IN BED!!!

Why I Love the Internet

2004-09-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think the internet is stupid and say that I hate it, but then I find something like this that makes me take back anything bad that I said:

It's Like Jewelry for Your Car!

2004-09-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

After reading the news tonight, I felt like doing something political in order to do my part for the nation, so I made some bumper stickers. Feel free to print them out and tape/glue/staple them onto your car/dog/child.

Norris

2004-09-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight, like everynight, I was surfing good old www.chucknorris.com, something that any decent person should do regularly. Upon entering the site, you hear Chuck Norris' actual voice say "Hi, this is Chuck Norris, and I'd like to personally welcome you to my official website." To think, he has the nerve to label this a "personal" greeting when it is the same one that everybody who goes to the site gets. I was a little distraught by this and felt the need to send the following e-mail to chucknorris.com:

Dear Chucknorris.com,

I, like all who regularly surf www.chucknorris.com, am a big fan of Mr. Norris and his constant displays of nobility and heroism. Needless to say, I was more than thrilled to hear the man himself personally welcoming me to his official website upon entering it. Moments later, however, a friend of mine entered the site as well, receiving the same "personal" welcome from Chuck Norris as I did! I was a little put off by this, because a personal welcome should, at the very least, have my name in it. And this generic greeting on the website is far from personal and, worst of all, it makes Chuck Norris a liar, a word that I'd hoped I would never have to associate with such a man.

Is there anyway you can make the website say my name whenever I enter it? Or could you at least shed some light on the situation? Perhaps I am just not seeing it the same way that you are. I already think highly of Chuck Norris, but a few more dissapointments like this one could knock him down a couple of pegs (something of which I dread).

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Nathan G. Fernald
Admirer of Chuck Norris since '84

I have not yet received a response, but when I do I will be sure to post it here, so please check back if you are interested in the results of this saga.

Save the Turtles

2004-09-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

Just so everybody knows, there was a study done recently, showing that scallop fishing is quite harmful to turtles. Between June and November 458 turtles were killed or injured by scallop fishers.

So be careful when scallop fishing, unless you hate turtles. In that case, go scallop fishing all the time.

Treasure!

2004-09-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today I finally decided to clean out my car, and here is a list of some of the things I found in it:

$1.47 in change
A pair of prescription glasses that do not belong to me nor any of my friends
A bee costume
A sword
A lamp
A book entitled "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche"
A book entitled "Real Women Don't Pump Gas"
A sticker that reads: CAUTION - Show Cats
Un-opened Pez candy
Seven Hawaiin shirts

Life is awesome.

But on a less-positive note, I went my local Salvation Army to buy some kickin' new threads for going back to school, and, get this -- THEY ONLY SELL WOMEN'S CLOTHES NOW.

Double-yoo Tee Eff!?!

Does this mean that men aren't poor anymore? Can poverty only effect the X-chromosome? Beats me! But on the bright side, I did find a sweet flowered blouse. Finally, a piece of clothing that doesn't make me look fat!

Store it, St-st-st-store It In a Tepid Place Like a Polaroid Pictcha!

2004-08-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

I bought a Polaroid camera today, and upon reading the instructions, I was shocked to learn this: You are not supposed to shake Polaroid pictures! You are supposed to store them in a place that averages 55 degrees Farenheit! Andre 3000 is a liar! A damn liar! Want proof?

Do not listen to him, Miss Jackson! He is not for real!

Magic!

2004-08-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

Check out this headline that I saw in the news today:

"Sorcerer Kills 10, Sells Bodies for Cremation"

I didn't even bother reading the article because I know that there is no possible way that it could live up to my expectations from the title.

Sticket to The Man!

2004-08-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

So I was in the town of Natick yesterday and I got a parking ticket. Why did I get this ticket, you ask? I had money in the meter, I was in the lines...BUT I parked my car backwards. I never knew that this was such an offense until recently. So, they charged me $10 for parking my car 180 degrees in the wrong direction. I was in Natick again today and parked on the same street, this time facing the proper direction so as to avoid another ticket. Then I noticed that the car parked in the space beside mine had run out of time on their meter. So you know what I did? I put money in their meter! Therefore, this person could avoid a $20 ticket and the town of Natick would technically lose $20. Serves them right for giving me that lame ticket.

Later on in the day, I returned to my car only to notice that the car parked in that space was actually a HANDICAPPED automobile and therefore does not need money in the meter! And I wasted my hard-earned 25 cents on it! Now I am $10.25 in the hole. Damn you, town of Natick! I'll get you yet!

I know must do at least $10.25 worth of damage to the town of Natick in order to show them who is boss. Is there any streets signs in Natick that anybody wants?

DEATH BY FRUIT!!!

2004-08-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

I love blueberries, but I just ate some tonight and my ears got all itchy and my tongue swelled up. The same thing happens when I eat apples and cherries. I think that means that I have a slight allergy to them. That sucks though, because I love fruit, and I will continue eating them until they kill me. That's how much I like them.

This reminds me of the time I got stung by a bee (haha, I accidentally typed "beet," but don't worry, I changed it. I just thought you should know because I thought it funny). So anyhoo, I got stung by this bee once on the arm and my arm got all huge and people kept asking me if I'd been working out. So I wanted to find a whole hive of bees and sting myself all over, and I mean all over! WINK! Nobody would dare pick fights with me because I'd be huge, and with all that bee venom in me, I'd be like 47% bee, so I could probably fly if I'd really wanted too. At the very least I'd be able to command bees and have them sting my attacker. Let's just hope my attacker doesn't have the same reaction to bee stings as I do, because then I'd be fucked!

I think I have a severe allergy to the flu, because everytime I am around the flu, I get all stuffy and start coughing a whole bunch. Zing!

PS
My first short film is almost done. It is entitled "Pineapples and Snakes." You will like it as long as you aren't my parents.

NOlympics

2004-08-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

I don't understand what the big deal about the Olympics is. Why do so many people watch them? If I wanted to see a bunch of people play un-interesting sports in sweaty tights, I'd just watch the Olympics...wait, what? Nevermind.

I'm tired. It must be from lack of sleep, because for the past two weeks I've using a Tempur-pedic pillow, but as it turns out I've been using it upside down. But on the bright-side, at least it's only a pillow that I've been using upside down and not something like a car or rollerblades, because then I could get hurt.

And I thought I was bad!

2004-08-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

This computer is masturbating! Gross!

A Semi-Attractive Mind

2004-08-15T00:15:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, you might have Paranoid Schizophrenia, and this website may not even exist outside of your mind. Go ahead, show it to a friend to see if they see it too in order to prove that you're not crazy. But you know what? They might not even exist either.

You're fuckin' nuts.

Whoa

2004-08-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

This is either one wrinkley dog or this guy has the grossest balls ever.

Hail Ants!

2004-08-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that these days nobody ever says "...When pigs fly!" as a sarcastic retort when being asked to do something which they don't want to do? I think that's because science has come far enough that we probably could make pigs fly if we really wanted too. So, like, if I asked somebody for a million dollars, and they said "Sure I'll giv eyou a million dollars...when pigs fly!" I could probably go out and pay some bored scientist a few thousand dollars to biochemically engineer a flying pig, or even just build a rocket pack to put on the pig. Yeah it'd cost a few thousand dollars, but I'd get one million in return (as long as the contractually agreed to it and would hold up in a legal court), so it'd still be a huge profit. And hey, I'd also have a flying pig.

So next time somebody asks me for a million dollars, I'll probably just say "when bugs take over the earth and destroy the human race!" because it'll probably be another 50 years at least before that happens, and a million dollars won't really be that much then. Also, if bugs took over the earth and destroyed the human race, it's not like I'd get to use the money anyway, because I'd be dead. Killed by bugs.

Caution: Angry Griffins

2004-08-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today, when I was stopped at a red light, I was looking in my rear-view mirror at the lady behind me and thought to myself "How awesome would it be if that lady just turned into a Griffin and started flying around all over the place?" Then the light turned green but I kept staring in hopes that she'd turn into a Griffin. Then she got pissed and started beeping at me, so I drove, because if she did turn into a Griffin, she'd be angry at me, and an angry Griffin could easily destroy me.

Angry Griffin kinda sounds like Andy Griffith. Imagine if there was a show called "The Angry Griffin Show" and it was about a Griffin who liked to go fishing, but always got mad because he couldn't catch any fish. Why couldn't he catch any fish? Because how's he supposed to use a fishing rod with those big clunky paws of his!

In the Future

2004-08-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

I hope this is what I look like 40 years from now:

Dead Children...or Dragons?

2004-07-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

If you are the kind of person who really hates children, it might be fun to tell them that if they go under water and breathe in, they'll turn into dragons. That way, next time you're at the beach, you'll either see a bunch of dead kids or, like, thirty dragons fly out of the water.

According to Science, Salad is Good!

2004-07-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article that stated eating vegitables may prevent cancer. This is great, because I was always wondering why I don't have cancer, and it must be because of that salad I ate a while ago.

Hooray for Science! Thank you for knowledge and thank you for the Segway!

The Stinky Onion!

2004-07-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

I was just in Chicago for a few days, and it was a lot of fun. Sadly, within my first 10 minutes of being there, I was a victim of reverse-racism. A homeless man, or "bum," (not a hobo, hobo's are polite and make jokes. They don't even want money, they just love train hopping and stabbing) was asking me for money, and upon my refusal to give it to him, he hit me with the old "Oh, I get it. You just don't wanna give a black man any money." How'd he know!?!?

I wonder if this works the other way around. If I am ever being held up by a black man (because we all know it's only black males that hold people up!) then I am gonna say to him "Oh, I get it. You just wanna steal my money because I'm white. You're a racist!"

Another homeless man tried to sell me an issue of The Onion (which is a FREE publication) for $2. But I would only give him one dollar! Take that you fucking sucker!

PS
Did you know that Chicago means "The Stinky Onion"? It is taken from the Native American (or "Indian" or "Redskin") phrase "Chi Ca Goo" which translates to The Stinky Onion.

Man, those indians are hilarious!

Hmm...

2004-07-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

I was wondering...do Chinese people have as much trouble with forks as we do with chopsticks?

Children Are The Future

2004-07-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

I work at a summercamp and am in charge of children ages five to seven. Today a little girl came up to me and told me she lost her tooth. She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to get "one million dollars from the tooth fairy." ...What and idiot!

What to do...

2004-07-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

I have blog. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.