Oh, The Things I Know!

I have learned a lot in the past few weeks, some of them the hard way. Being the generous person I am, I will share some of my newfound knowledge with you:

- People who work for credit card companies will do anything to get you to sign up. And I mean anything! (i.e. free pen).
- Ashlee, a girl from my film class, "likes all kinds of movies."
- French people love getting their butts sucked.
- Just because you attend college, it does not mean you are intelligent.
- The words "shit," "ass," and "fuck" can make anything funny, especially when two or more are combined.
- Toothpaste is not a substitute for soap.
- Soap is not a substitute for mayonaise.
- Homeless people are not interested in your personality, only your money. If they compliment you, don't be flattered. And if they ask you on a date, don't go! They'll make you pay for everything!
- If you want to lose weight, join a union and go on strike! It's like a two-year walk-a-thon, and those picket signs are way better than free-weights.
- The only thing $10 can get you nowadays is a bad cup of coffee and an abortion.

Heed these words as you brace yourself for the real world.