All About Cats

While I prepare my response posts to the previous entry, here are some links to various sites having to do with cats to occupy you:

http://www.mathcats.com/
http://cats.about.com/
http://www.fancieres.com
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/
http://www.funnypictureslady.com/funnycats/funny_cats.php
http://www.cats.alpha.pl/funny.htm
http://www.funnyville.com/fv/pictures/cats.shtm
http://www.coopsjokes.com/amz/amzcat.htm
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/amazingcats.htm

I assure you, these are the best of the best when it comes to cat pages.
And feel free to continue posting suggestions on the last post.

Homeland Security

I won't feel safe in this world until they're all captured!

You May Think Your Country Is Superior, But I Feel As Though My Country Is The Superior Of The Two

As most of you are probably aware - the presidential debates have been going on in recent weeks. This means two things. One, my normal television programs are not on, causing me to get angry. And two, the state of the nation is revealed, causing me to get political! So here I have for you the second batch (see first batch here) of my self-proclaimed Famous Bumper Stickers!

Again, feel free to print them out and attach them by any means possible to whatever you see fit. Though they are called "bumper" stickers, they can really go anywhere. And I mean anywhere!

RIGHTEOUS ADVENTURE IN THE KEY OF C

I now present to you a story (pictures included) that takes full advantage of the caps-lock key.


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Cattle: HELLO NERD, I WILL RAM YOU WITH MY HORNS OF POWER IN YOUR EYES

Nerd: YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PENETRATE MY GLASSES OF POWER AND DIVINITY AND SHATTER-PROOF LENSES!

Cattle: YOUR FACE IS STUPID AND YOU ARE UGLY AND I HATE YOUR UGLY FACE UGLY NERD I WILL DESTROY YOU IN THE STOMACH AND HEAD

Nerd: IF I AM SUCH AN UGLY NERD THEN WHY IS MY GIRLFRIEND SUCH A BABE"

Cattle: YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A MEGABABE OF POWER! I AM SO ANGRY THAT I WILL TURN MYSELF INTO A CHICKEN AND PECK AT DYNAMITE UNTIL IT FUCKING EXPLODES IN MY MOUTH

Babe: CATTLE? MORE LIKE STUPID MOTHERFUCKER THAT BLOWS THE FUCK UP
Nerd: LOL

Dragon: THAT IS ALMOST AS FUNNY AS MY ORB OF HILARITY

Dragon: OH FUCK! THAT GRIFFIN STOLE MY ORB OF HILARITY! THAT FUCKING SUCKS SO HARD FUCKING GRIFFIN MOTHERFUCKERSHITASSFUCK!
Griffin: I NOW HAVE YOUR ORB OF HILARITY AND I AM THE FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER I AM MORE FUNNY THAN DONNY OSMOND AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS FUCKING HILARIOUS

Dragon 2: LOL LOL LOL

Everyone: THAT SHIT IS SO FUNNY THAT A FUCKING A BIRD WILL EAT A BABY AND THEN A BEAR WILL DROWN IN A FUCKING RIVER MOTHERFUCKER LOL MOTHERFUCKER

Old Man: WHAT THE FUCK WTF IS GOIN ON MY HEAD IS FUCKING FLIPPING OUT WTF LOL WTL

Everyone: ALL HAIL THE RULER AND HIS SON THEY WILL CONQUER ALL AND RULE EVERYTHING AND YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER!


TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE)

Chickens With Their Heads Cut Off (Think About It)

Read this article:

Man Mistakenly Cuts off Penis, Dog Eats It

Now, for those of you that are lazy and/or illiterate and thus did not read the above article, I will briefly re-cap it for you: An old man accidentally cut of his own penis because he "confused it with a chicken's neck." Once cut, his dog ran up and devoured the penis.

Once we get past the obvious jokes about the irony of the word "cock" and its ability to be used as a double entendre (meaning both penis and rooster/chicken), one would notice that there are a few details that this poor excuse for journalism left uncovered. First off: What was this man doing with his penis unsheathed in an environment where he would be cutting off the heads of chickens? The only thing that comes to my mind is naked butcher.

Also, how is it possible to confuse your own penis with the neck of a chicken? I mean, my penis has wings and a beak, but that's a totally different story!




For those of you wondering, this post used the word "penis" eight times. Maybe next time I'll shoot for ten.

The Struggle

Sometimes I feel like I take my life for granted. I am well aware that I have it pretty good, but every now and then I'll come across somebody who has it really bad and feel sorry for them. They can't help it that their life is the way it is, nor can I help it that my life is the way it is. But today I decided to challenge myself that would make me really appreciate how lucky I actually am. I decided that I should give myself some sort of handicap, so maybe I could view life from somebody else's perspective. So I had my friends duct tape oven mitts to my hands.

This ought to make my life a little bit more challenging, right? So I decided to go about my daily tasks, which proved to be much harder than usual, so I went over to my computer...

Everytime I tried to hit a key, I ended up hitting the fifteen surrounding ones as well. This made for some awkward AIM conversations. Fortunately, my responses did not differ that much from the norm. Example:

FriendOfNate: hey nate, i've been having a really bad day and could use some cheering up : (
Nate: frvfrggvbgkiljfkcmmoripjmew
FriendOfNate: LOL! thanx! i needed that ; )
Nate: gvmhej90rerdke99m

Then I decided to watch some television...

Not easy! Those big, clunky mitts of mine were far too large to operate the tiny buttons on the remote. So I decided to do what I normally do when there is nothing good on TV...

Masturbate to a Bed, Bath & Beyond catalogue. I, however, had no such luck. But while I was awkardly groping at the clasp on my belt in an attempt to remove my pants, my phone started to ring!

But by the time I was able to answer, the caller had hung up.

I'd had enoug of this awful life without television, or telephones, or meaningful IM converstations, etc. So I decided to end everything right there and then! I was going to kill myself using the sharpest of kitchen knives I could find! But...

...no dice.

This experience has really made me appreciate my life on a whole new level. My struggle with the oven mitts taught me a valuable lesson: It's tough to be a bear. Those big paws may be good for catching fish, climbing trees, and basic survival, but when it comes down to it, paws just will not do. And I can honestly say that I never want to be a bear.

Unless, of course, it was this one: