Store it, St-st-st-store It In a Tepid Place Like a Polaroid Pictcha!

I bought a Polaroid camera today, and upon reading the instructions, I was shocked to learn this: You are not supposed to shake Polaroid pictures! You are supposed to store them in a place that averages 55 degrees Farenheit! Andre 3000 is a liar! A damn liar! Want proof?



Do not listen to him, Miss Jackson! He is not for real!

Magic!

Check out this headline that I saw in the news today:

"Sorcerer Kills 10, Sells Bodies for Cremation"

I didn't even bother reading the article because I know that there is no possible way that it could live up to my expectations from the title.

Sticket to The Man!

So I was in the town of Natick yesterday and I got a parking ticket. Why did I get this ticket, you ask? I had money in the meter, I was in the lines...BUT I parked my car backwards. I never knew that this was such an offense until recently. So, they charged me $10 for parking my car 180 degrees in the wrong direction. I was in Natick again today and parked on the same street, this time facing the proper direction so as to avoid another ticket. Then I noticed that the car parked in the space beside mine had run out of time on their meter. So you know what I did? I put money in their meter! Therefore, this person could avoid a $20 ticket and the town of Natick would technically lose $20. Serves them right for giving me that lame ticket.

Later on in the day, I returned to my car only to notice that the car parked in that space was actually a HANDICAPPED automobile and therefore does not need money in the meter! And I wasted my hard-earned 25 cents on it! Now I am $10.25 in the hole. Damn you, town of Natick! I'll get you yet!

I know must do at least $10.25 worth of damage to the town of Natick in order to show them who is boss. Is there any streets signs in Natick that anybody wants?

DEATH BY FRUIT!!!

I love blueberries, but I just ate some tonight and my ears got all itchy and my tongue swelled up. The same thing happens when I eat apples and cherries. I think that means that I have a slight allergy to them. That sucks though, because I love fruit, and I will continue eating them until they kill me. That's how much I like them.

This reminds me of the time I got stung by a bee (haha, I accidentally typed "beet," but don't worry, I changed it. I just thought you should know because I thought it funny). So anyhoo, I got stung by this bee once on the arm and my arm got all huge and people kept asking me if I'd been working out. So I wanted to find a whole hive of bees and sting myself all over, and I mean all over! WINK! Nobody would dare pick fights with me because I'd be huge, and with all that bee venom in me, I'd be like 47% bee, so I could probably fly if I'd really wanted too. At the very least I'd be able to command bees and have them sting my attacker. Let's just hope my attacker doesn't have the same reaction to bee stings as I do, because then I'd be fucked!

I think I have a severe allergy to the flu, because everytime I am around the flu, I get all stuffy and start coughing a whole bunch. Zing!


PS
My first short film is almost done. It is entitled "Pineapples and Snakes." You will like it as long as you aren't my parents.

NOlympics

I don't understand what the big deal about the Olympics is. Why do so many people watch them? If I wanted to see a bunch of people play un-interesting sports in sweaty tights, I'd just watch the Olympics...wait, what? Nevermind.

I'm tired. It must be from lack of sleep, because for the past two weeks I've using a Tempur-pedic pillow, but as it turns out I've been using it upside down. But on the bright-side, at least it's only a pillow that I've been using upside down and not something like a car or rollerblades, because then I could get hurt.

And I thought I was bad!

This computer is masturbating! Gross!

A Semi-Attractive Mind

Just so you know, you might have Paranoid Schizophrenia, and this website may not even exist outside of your mind. Go ahead, show it to a friend to see if they see it too in order to prove that you're not crazy. But you know what? They might not even exist either.

You're fuckin' nuts.

Whoa

This is either one wrinkley dog or this guy has the grossest balls ever.

Hail Ants!

Have you ever noticed that these days nobody ever says "...When pigs fly!" as a sarcastic retort when being asked to do something which they don't want to do? I think that's because science has come far enough that we probably could make pigs fly if we really wanted too. So, like, if I asked somebody for a million dollars, and they said "Sure I'll giv eyou a million dollars...when pigs fly!" I could probably go out and pay some bored scientist a few thousand dollars to biochemically engineer a flying pig, or even just build a rocket pack to put on the pig. Yeah it'd cost a few thousand dollars, but I'd get one million in return (as long as the contractually agreed to it and would hold up in a legal court), so it'd still be a huge profit. And hey, I'd also have a flying pig.

So next time somebody asks me for a million dollars, I'll probably just say "when bugs take over the earth and destroy the human race!" because it'll probably be another 50 years at least before that happens, and a million dollars won't really be that much then. Also, if bugs took over the earth and destroyed the human race, it's not like I'd get to use the money anyway, because I'd be dead. Killed by bugs.

Caution: Angry Griffins

Today, when I was stopped at a red light, I was looking in my rear-view mirror at the lady behind me and thought to myself "How awesome would it be if that lady just turned into a Griffin and started flying around all over the place?" Then the light turned green but I kept staring in hopes that she'd turn into a Griffin. Then she got pissed and started beeping at me, so I drove, because if she did turn into a Griffin, she'd be angry at me, and an angry Griffin could easily destroy me.

Angry Griffin kinda sounds like Andy Griffith. Imagine if there was a show called "The Angry Griffin Show" and it was about a Griffin who liked to go fishing, but always got mad because he couldn't catch any fish. Why couldn't he catch any fish? Because how's he supposed to use a fishing rod with those big clunky paws of his!

In the Future

I hope this is what I look like 40 years from now: