Oh, The Things I Know!

I have learned a lot in the past few weeks, some of them the hard way. Being the generous person I am, I will share some of my newfound knowledge with you:

- People who work for credit card companies will do anything to get you to sign up. And I mean anything! (i.e. free pen).
- Ashlee, a girl from my film class, "likes all kinds of movies."
- French people love getting their butts sucked.
- Just because you attend college, it does not mean you are intelligent.
- The words "shit," "ass," and "fuck" can make anything funny, especially when two or more are combined.
- Toothpaste is not a substitute for soap.
- Soap is not a substitute for mayonaise.
- Homeless people are not interested in your personality, only your money. If they compliment you, don't be flattered. And if they ask you on a date, don't go! They'll make you pay for everything!
- If you want to lose weight, join a union and go on strike! It's like a two-year walk-a-thon, and those picket signs are way better than free-weights.
- The only thing $10 can get you nowadays is a bad cup of coffee and an abortion.

Heed these words as you brace yourself for the real world.

My New Home

So, I've been in Chicago for about a week now and OH MAN has it been crazy. So crazy, that words could not possibly describe it, so I have taken the liberty of posting actual pictures of the things I have seen. Keep in mind, all of these pictures are REAL pictures of things actually in this wild city.

First off, I was walking around, and what do I see but...

A dwarf rubbing the pelt of a passing deer!

Then I walked down to good old Lake Michigan and I saw...

The frigging Loch Ness monster! How did he get all the way over to America? Well, I think it is safe to assume that he rode on the wings of a mystical pegasus or took a hovercraft.

I thought I had seen teh craziest of things, but then as I was sauntering back to my building, I looked up only to see...

A giant gorilla battling an alien spaceship that was launching lazer beams all over the place. I wanted to stay and see who won, but I had things to do.

So I finally returned to my apartment, assuming that things could NOT get any crazier...

And then I got Stigmata! I mean, c'mon! Stigmata!?!? Only in Chicago!

As you can plainly see, I have been having quite the time out here, so I recommend that you come visit me and take part in the action.

Things To Do

So, I am finally in Chicago. And here is my current to-do list:

1. Learn the Thriller dance

2. Listen to "Down Under" by Men at Work

3. Possibly combine items 1 and 2

I've got some hefty ambitions.

Intense post coming soon. Brace yourselves.

Caw

Today I walked by a scarecrow, and I wasn't scared at all. And that's when I realized I wasn't a crow. And these things on either side of me? They're just arms, not wings.

Dance Pants Revolution

People are actually using the Dance Dance Revolution videogame as a way to get overweight children to lose weight. They have the kids play it for a few hours a day and pounds practically fall off of them. So now you have the option of your kids not having friends because they are overweight, or not having friends because they are videogame nerds.

But then again, maybe the dance moves they pick up will help them at those oh-so-socially-awkward highschool dances.

I'm Like Chinese, But Better

I have been bored with fortune cookies at Chinese food restaurants lately, so I have taken some initiative and make my own:


And for the big eaters, three part fortunes!

And of course the most sage-like of all wisdom that ever was:





...IN BED!!!

Why I Love the Internet

Sometimes I think the internet is stupid and say that I hate it, but then I find something like this that makes me take back anything bad that I said:

It's Like Jewelry for Your Car!

After reading the news tonight, I felt like doing something political in order to do my part for the nation, so I made some bumper stickers. Feel free to print them out and tape/glue/staple them onto your car/dog/child.

Norris

Tonight, like everynight, I was surfing good old www.chucknorris.com, something that any decent person should do regularly. Upon entering the site, you hear Chuck Norris' actual voice say "Hi, this is Chuck Norris, and I'd like to personally welcome you to my official website." To think, he has the nerve to label this a "personal" greeting when it is the same one that everybody who goes to the site gets. I was a little distraught by this and felt the need to send the following e-mail to chucknorris.com:

• Dear Chucknorris.com,
  
  I, like all who regularly surf www.chucknorris.com, am a big fan of Mr. Norris and his constant displays of nobility and heroism. Needless to say, I was more than thrilled to hear the man himself personally welcoming me to his official website upon entering it. Moments later, however, a friend of mine entered the site as well, receiving the same "personal" welcome from Chuck Norris as I did! I was a little put off by this, because a personal welcome should, at the very least, have my name in it. And this generic greeting on the website is far from personal and, worst of all, it makes Chuck Norris a liar, a word that I'd hoped I would never have to associate with such a man.
  
  Is there anyway you can make the website say my name whenever I enter it? Or could you at least shed some light on the situation? Perhaps I am just not seeing it the same way that you are. I already think highly of Chuck Norris, but a few more dissapointments like this one could knock him down a couple of pegs (something of which I dread).
  
  Thank you.
  
  Sincerely,
  Nathan G. Fernald
  Admirer of Chuck Norris since '84

I have not yet received a response, but when I do I will be sure to post it here, so please check back if you are interested in the results of this saga.

Save the Turtles

Just so everybody knows, there was a study done recently, showing that scallop fishing is quite harmful to turtles. Between June and November 458 turtles were killed or injured by scallop fishers.

So be careful when scallop fishing, unless you hate turtles. In that case, go scallop fishing all the time.

Treasure!

Today I finally decided to clean out my car, and here is a list of some of the things I found in it:

$1.47 in change
A pair of prescription glasses that do not belong to me nor any of my friends
A bee costume
A sword
A lamp
A book entitled "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche"
A book entitled "Real Women Don't Pump Gas"
A sticker that reads: CAUTION - Show Cats
Un-opened Pez candy
Seven Hawaiin shirts

Life is awesome.

But on a less-positive note, I went my local Salvation Army to buy some kickin' new threads for going back to school, and, get this -- THEY ONLY SELL WOMEN'S CLOTHES NOW.

Double-yoo Tee Eff!?!

Does this mean that men aren't poor anymore? Can poverty only effect the X-chromosome? Beats me! But on the bright side, I did find a sweet flowered blouse. Finally, a piece of clothing that doesn't make me look fat!